Naso

In this week’s parsha we deal with the laws concerning a Sotah (woman suspected of adultery).

Rashi (5;12) states that if a man withholds from a Cohen the gifts which befit him then Hashem swears that he will end up needing to come back to the Cohen to bring a Sotah.

However, how could it be that just because a man withholds from a Cohen his gifts that his wife will go against him and seclude herself with another man? Every person has free will! How could Hashem seemingly take away her free will and guarantee us (through swearing) that she’ll become a Sotah?

Additionally, why does one who fails to give the Cohen his gifts receive that specific punishment of having his wife become a Sotah? Having one’s wife become a Sotah seems like a very serious punishment for one who simply fails to give a Cohen his gifts!?!

Rabbi Yochanan Zweig explains that Rashi (5;12) states: “If you withhold the gifts of the Cohen.” The word “withhold” (“meakev”) implies that you’re eventually going to give. The reason then why the person withholds the gifts from the Cohen is because they don’t want to give up control. In fact, the person himself wasn’t even allowed to eat the foods. Why then did he not give them to the Cohen? It must be because he didn’t want to give up control. Similarly, a person who isn’t able to give up control to a Cohen will also be unable to give up control at home to his wife. For this reason, Rashi (5;12) states: “I swear by your life that you will need to come to him to bring him the Sotah.” Meaning, if man seeks control over his wife then she will naturally go against him. By having relations with another man a woman seeks to put her husband down and show that she has control. Therefore, Hashem is able to guarantee us and swear that one who seeks control over a Cohen (by withholding his gifts) will eventually have his wife seek control over him (by secluding herself with another man). Similarly, we could now also understand that a man’s wife becoming a Sotah is simply the natural consequence of his inability to live without control.

Interestingly, Rabbi Zweig explains that according to psychologists, 99% of marriage problems are all about control. When a married woman secludes herself with another man it is evident that she is experiencing problems with her husband at home. Therefore, we could presume that a Sotah secluded herself with another man because her husband wanted control over her. Thus, it is reasonable to conclude that Hashem is able to guarantee us that one will have to bring a Sotah to a Cohen if he seeks control over his wife at home.

In closing, Rabbi Zweig asks: How does one deal with the issue of control? In order to answer this question, we must first understand why people want control. Rabbi Zweig explains that control gives one the sense of power. On this point, the Mishna (Pirkei Avos, 4;1) states: “Who is powerful? he who controls his inclinations.” From here we could explain that the only way to be able to refrain from controlling others is to learn how to control ourselves as when one controls themself they gain power (as the Mishna, Pirkei Avos, 4;1 writes-”Who is powerful? He who controls his inclinations”) and they therefore feel no need to control others. Thus, in order to avoid falling prey to the common human need for control we should all learn how to control ourselves in order so that we should have the inner strength to live without being able to control others.